Doubt

As time passes, I started to doubt more and more towards what this is all about.
Is there value in challenge?

Let's see. I devour Kanji and Japanese out of pure interest. Yet, the prospect of putting it into practice, I mean, like going to work in a Japanese company, has started to cast several doubts on me. Do I really fit into the environment? Will I be able to communicate smoothly, let alone professionally, when the reality knocks on my door? I won't be able to live in this dream for long; the harshness of reality is sometimes too severe, too big, too overwhelming for one to bear with.

Sometimes I just get tired of everything and suddenlylong for those good old days back home with parents, lying on the floor of my home reading novels, drawing, writing, and learning English out of sheer passion for it. I would go to a coffee shop everyday Sunday morning bit dad n mom, then we'd go to the city central bookstore. I love those old romantic days when it would rain and I would sit by the edge of my balcony looking at those falling drops of rain which thereby transports a sense of chill to my bone, sniffing the fresh scent of early summer... Morris's "second childhood" surely strikes a chord with every human's innate yearning for that carefree feelings of being a child, trouble-free, and having time to cater to everything, to do whatever we like.

And the reality is sometimes too different fromwhat one wishes it to be... One wish from someoneon a deathbed would be "I wish I would have let myself be happier". So true. But sometimes, in one way or another, we get ourselves got carried away by all those competition, the rat race, by sheer illusion of some promising aspects of a good position in a big company, of earning great money to afford ourselves and our beloveds luxuries, of sheer pride. Then I look back at myself and wonder what i am doing now, where i'm heading to, and what lies down the line. Is there any value in all this? Will it bring me happiness later in life? Cos for sure i'm promised with no happiness at the time moment. And I'm talking bout happiness alone, not satisfaction or self-fulfilment. Coz the latter is somewhere innate in me, lurking down the bush, pushing me forward. Yet, what have I done with all these time I had? All these nearly-three-year-time. If  I had not turned out thisway, could there be any possibility of me doing sth else totally different, offering me total different feelings of happiness and self-fulfilment? is there any possibility of me having better use of my time? doing something i really want to? devoting time to things which give me true satisfaction? and finally, being happy at the end of the day, looing back on a well-spent time and going to bed totally worn out, but with a stress-free mind and a fresh new hope of a better tomorrow?

Now I'm getting back to my readings for class which i will have an exam next week. What I only have to do is read and read and see what's left on my memory, since one wouldhave no way to expect what the professorwould ask on the paper. And what is valuable and strikes a chord with my inner thoughts and values, I note them down. The prime example is William Morris with his "News from Nowhere" piece of utopian work. Otherwise, I would just let my mind get carried away with the mere sense of enjoying the pleasure of reading.

And Kanji. I love it. Out of mere curiosity, a sense of fulfilment and passion out of the words, their meanings and how they touch me with sth I've met in real life. Totally resourceful rich enabling material of art.

 A a report on a movie based on some false charge case in Japan some time past. I'll try to get it fastly and deliciously donw, or else it'd be too much of a pain in the ass. I hate prolonging, and procrastination whereby one could have done sth about it.

And after all these homework nicely done, will I be happier? Not sure. But I'll surely be less stressful and have time tofinally wind down and do sth to amend the situation.

After all, tomorrow is another day.